I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize