If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
