when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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