God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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