We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize