got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
