I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
