By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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