dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
