sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
