it's like iHOP with fire
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
