Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
