Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
