I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
