I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
