he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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