By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I am one with the molecules
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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