my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
