i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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