Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
