i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just want nice things and good sex
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
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