we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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