just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize