if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
