The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
how drunk are you?
Several
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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