Your face is a jimmy john
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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