capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
i now understand why vodka
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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