I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
