the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I will pee on everything he values.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
