i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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