Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize