that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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