I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
