dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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