when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
