At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
