I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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