I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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