Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
