I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
