Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
