I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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