I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
