In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
