my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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