Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
