Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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