I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
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