i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize