We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
