Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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