the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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