im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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