having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
