I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
