Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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